Tuesday, January 11, 2011

It's amazing.

It's amazing how far you can get with just a smile and a nod... Sometimes just a nod.

So I've been newly single for 2 weeks.
Pretty rough the whole break-up thing, innit?
You can really coast though with just a smile and a nod. Spirits gotta stay up, right? I've been noticing how easy it is to deflect any/all speak of said break-up.
Don't get me wrong... My friends are amazing. No doubt about that. My room mate and his girlfriend take me in no questions asked. Can't beat that.

However a majority of the friends, the happy ones, don't necessarily want to get into the emotional dirt and muck that is a break-up. They love to get the details of what happened, the water cooler always pleases. The actual feelings, emotional part of it all is just a bit dirty.

I myself use the smile and nod method of things. Gotta keep appearances up, right? That's odd though. Why is that? Why when someone is grieving (I realize that I'm being a bit dramatic in using the term "grieving" to explain a break-up) do they feel the need to put on the smiley face and act as if all is well? It's expected of people. You are to grieve in silence. Outside of the public eye. Why is it important to me myself to smile and give off the "I'm okay" vibe?

That is what I don't understand. I also don't understand that little voice in my head that says "you're okay... tell them you're okay!!"
Smile and nod. Get through it. Pretend all is well.

Misery doesn't love company. Misery is actually scared shit less of being discovered.

Well fuck that.
I'm pretty miserable. Not every point in the day. Maybe just when I lay down to sleep and my head is racing... Regardless I'm not okay. Fuck you if you don't want to deal with me and my sadness...


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I don't understand why...

Don't understand why these women on these late night talk shows wear these dresses that look so uncomfortable to sit in... I mean 99% of your visit will be spent in that chair Gwenyth Paltrow, re-think your wardrobe choices.

So I'm back, blog.
How was your 2010?
Mine took a big fat shit on me towards the end there...
I don't want to be typical douche bag/sad/emo/whatever blogger but I have to put to screen here that my girlfriend and I broke up.

I'm really busted up about it because, well, she left me.
We moved in together and all was well, or so I thought. It turns out she had all these doubts and kept holding this shit in and then BAM! explosion of doubt/disappointment/sadness/lonliness/loathing and I'm out...

I'm trying to avoid being whiny and turn this thing into a depressing, suicide watch type log here but what does one write about???? It's supposed to be a journal of sorts, right?
I've done a substantial number of posts in here. I mean, it's out there on the internet for all the world to read yet I never mention names... Really? I'm going to hash out my personal thoughts while saving my friends identity? For what? I only know of a handful of my friends that read this and I have never talked to any of them about for more than a passing sentence here and there.

I think I'm just kind of doing what comes with a new year. Stock taking.
I think I'm going to try and approach this emotionally shattering break up thing from different areas... Work it out in my head and in this space in an intelligent way until it makes sense to me...
Easier said than done? For sure.

Well for the time being I just want to say this right now: I have the best friends ever. I did not have a shortage of people texting me to offer support.
My girlfriend and I moved in together about 3 months ago. Beginning of the end? Could be. Regardless, I'm currently living in the guest room (which used to be my room) at my old room mate's apartment. Short notice? Yes. Did he think twice about having me? No.

Can't beat that sort of support, can you?
I'm psyched too because it was going to be the parents basement for me. Which would have it's upsides financially I don't think I could try and pull myself together in my parents basement. I mean, they don't even drink...

In case it needed to be said I've been drunk pretty much every day since mid December when this started falling apart around me.
I think tomorrow I'll start trying to sort through my shit. Today was just rambling, drunk nonsense.

My car's broken too. Bummer.

Glad you stopped by, eh?
Get the fuck out.


Monday, January 3, 2011

To new beginnings

It's 2011.
I'm going to post here more. That is not a resolution, just a fact... Hopefully.

I have to work tomorrow and need to sleep. I've drank like 4 cases of beer already in this new year. Ugh.