Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I can disappear any time I want to, any time I need to.

I'm going to see Motion City Soundtrack at the House of Blues tonight. So that title is pretty funny because it's the chorus to their current single but also related to the fact that I post on such an irregular basis in this spot, lately... What's that you say? It actually isn't funny and/or clever if I have to explain it? Damn.

Well, not much is new...
I'm getting fatter and still not running.
I'm working harder and still making shit money.
I'm drinking more and still kind of have a general anxiety that my life is headed down the pooper.

I've really had an anxiety lately that is just general and over-the-top. The other day I had this dread that was really fucking my brain, hard. I got home and had this feeling that was doing my head in that I had left something that was very integral to my plans for the night (drinking and watching the Blackhawks game) at work. I don't know what it was. I had left my novel I'm currently reading in the car but that wasn't it. I never figured it out and after a couple beers and the Blackhawks win the feeling was gone but fuck me if it didn't really gnaw at me for a couple hours.

I think my general anxiety and feeling of dread is just because I'm getting older. I'm at the age in which I can no longer pin my shortcomings and disappointments on anyone else. I'm where I'm at because of the things I've done and choices I've made. I have only myself to blame/thank for where I'm at. I think once I started to realize this little by little (this began at age 25) is when I started to feel like I'm just fucked in general when it comes to life.
I am now, at this point in my life, trying to reverse all the fear, self-loathing, apathy and anxiety. So I am attempting to plan out the future, save some cash and shape the clay in to something that's not an ashtray that sits on the end table unused. The girl helps with that. I mean I have a future in which I'm starting to plan for and it's with a pretty awesome girl too, so that helps.

Ugh. I feel defeated just typing that shit.
Re-focusing now...
I was woke up today by the garbage men today banking dumpsters off the brick outside my bedroom... This maddens me to no end but my favorite blog really put it all in to perspective for me. That gave me a good smile and laugh.

Other things that are making me smile currently:
Motion City Soundtrack's discography
The novel "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro
The collected stories of Raymond Carver - "Where I'm Calling From"
The Chicago Blackhawks
The Chicago White Sox
The Easter bunny, his gifts and leftovers from his dinner
My girlfriend, my room mate, my friend Ang
The prospect of making sushi on my own at home
Ricky Gervais

In closing I think this was a solid return, blog. I mean, I formed a list, spewed about almost breaking down and talked about how awesome my girlfriend is... Yep. Solid!

Oh, also the other day I had a dream that I was living out the plot of "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro with Kristen Stewart. Odd.
I gotta get to work and then go enjoy the synth tinged styling of Motion City Soundtrack.
See ya out there!

Jim

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