Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Well, Conan, I'm here to promote my latest film...

Ugh. Work sucks.
I know, I know. Heard that one before from me, right blog?
Seriously though. I'm 2 work days in to the new year & it blows, hard.
I was thinking today of dream jobs...

List time... Dream Jobs:

Author - A famous one. Like NY Time Best-Selling. A perennial best seller too. Someone who just pens some shit and knows that it's going to hit that list. I don't really fancy myself a writer. I'm sure this is obviously apparent. This occupation just seems amazing. You work from home. Make your own hours. Fuck, schedule really. No one judges you either. Say my room mate has people over.
Room mates friend - "Dude, why is Jim sitting there greased up in nothing but a speedo eating baked clams and snails with an alligator claw?"
Room mate - "Oh, he's an author. Looking for inspiration, I guess?"
Only downside to this is any hot girl probably has no clue who you are and therefore you don't get the tail that comes along with ACTUAL celebrities.

Actor - Oh yeah. I'm not talking about the dude that "gets the craft" and is awarded and respected. Oh no. I want to be the dude that is making a shit ton of movies that no self-respecting, intelligent human being would ever watch, yet are somehow box office smashes. Much like the author referenced above, if this dudes name is attached to something it is golden. Period. I want! Because unlike the author I DO get laid by an endless amount of willing women. Also, probably spiral deep into depression/drug use/bestiality/whatever but hey, no ones reign will last forever, amirite?!

Professional Athlete (any/all type) - Oh yeah. Get paid millions (okay half a mil at worst) for playing a GAME. A fucking game. This has absolutely no effect on any one person watching what so ever. Yet, we're all fucking glued to that television aren't we? It's astonishing to me and I myself am a huge sports fan. I think it'd be amazing to be looked up to. I mean for what. For running/catching/shooting/punching? Unbelievable. Fuck it man, I'll even take a job as just a coach. I'm more suited to that anyway, I can sit on the fucking bench & just yell at people.

Doctor - This one's just kind of been a personal dream. Really, I mean it's gotta be great. You get paid mega $$$. Also, I'd imagine if you've just given new life to a person laying there on your table it has to be one of the best feelings ever. Sure, there's the opposite of total mauling someone and they will now never have another breath because of you but there's pros and cons everywhere.

Record Store Employee - Honestly, I'd probably have to win the lottery for this one to be feasible as I need to be paid more than $4/hour and an occasional free lunch. I would love it though. You know that feeling you get when you turn someone on to new music and they absolutely love it. It's like you transport yourself back to the time that you first heard that song that's now your favorite. Just for a split second you tap that feeling when you see the person you've turned on to this song enjoying it. Again, no money but could you imagine giving people that amazing feeling of hearing an amazing band/song/melody for the first time for a living? Gotta be great.

Record Label A&R Guy - Honestly, I don't really know what this job entails. I imagine it as just kinda going to shows, checking out bands, liking them and signing them to the label you work for. It's like the record store thing but on a much grander scale. I mean I couldn't imagine bringing a band I love to a HUGE audience. Gotta feel great. Although, there's the con of spoiling YOUR band by bringing them to a huge audience. A new, underground band is like a secret. You feel better after telling a couple people. After telling too many though it blows up in your face & you usually feel like a little kid who just snuck some Oreo's after bedtime but then ended up shitting the bed. Right?

Well, that was a fun little session of dreaming.
Back to work. I have a shit ton to do and only a half hour left.
Tomorrow I'll list all the jobs that I'd NEVER want.
So much fun!


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