Friday, January 29, 2010


I'm going to get the fuck out of here and make some spaghetti with the girl.
She has the whole weekend off so I'm psyched about that.
I'm going to eat at Hot Doug's tomorrow. Can't wait.
If you've never eaten there blog, you must!
I'll post all about that on Monday but for now I'm so excited to get out of here that I can focus enough to put thoughts to keys to screen... Ugh.
I don't love you any less on a Friday it's just an off day for me.
I still haven't run. I'm still a fat ass. I'm still consuming at least 7 alcoholic beverages a night.

Have a GREAT weekend!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I suck at life.

No running. Nope. Not for me last night.
Instead I was influenced to hang out at my apartment (successfully upsetting my girlfriend who I was supposed to visit and also take grocery shopping and cook dinner with) get drunk and play video games with my room mate.
It was blistering cold outside anyway. Ugh. I suck at life...

Can't really be bothered to provide anything thought provoking or intelligent here today. I, in turn, will formulate a comical and truthful list of pet peeves at work.

Trimming your nails - Come on now. Someone was doing this today and I'm not sure who it was but it was near my desk. If I find out who it was I am going to murder them. Why would you ever do this outside of your house? I'd smack my room mate in the face if he did this outside of his bathroom. Honestly. What are you thinking when you even bring a nail clipper in to your place of business? I mean that is a conscious decision whether brought from home or purchased specifically for the desk drawer.
I guess this might make sense if you get a hangnail or something but honestly that clipping sound makes me want to stab my ear drums and then rip off some ones eyelashes with the god damned clippers.

Unsolicited Advice - Oh, thank you. I will keep in mind that you think I look mildly retarded with my new haircut. I will never get one like this again because we both know it is very important to me what you think. We're fucking co-workers. You are not my girlfriend. You are not even my friend, most likely. I do not care what you think and have no interest in shaping your opinion of me in to a favorable one. The arrogance of people that think they are in a position to give me advice about music/fashion/relationships/television/vibrator model/work in general/the proper way to cup balls when giving a blowjob/etc is astounding. I can't deal with this. Not even a little bit.

Laziness - This one is obvious, right? It's bad though. I seriously can not fathom the fact that some people here make the same amount I do. Not to mention that since I'm not a lazy fucking asshole I usually can be trusted by my superiors. You know what this means? They give me shit that some cunt could not be bothered to do or, even better, is not intelligent enough to complete.

You know what? I can't complete this fucking list.
My blood will begin to boil and I will, most likely, burn the fucker down tomorrow.

Ugh. Good news. One more day until the weekend.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I'm off to see the blizzard.

Hey there.
Gotta make this quick today.
I've got so much work right now it's mental. We're just so swamped because the sleepy shitter got canned. More overtime however, so that's alright.
It's blizzarding outside. That sucks for me because I am going running... I know I said I was going to put it off in my previous post but that is a bad idea. I will just keep on pushing it back if I don't. I already had, upon waking up this morning, the idea in my head that I HAVE to start running today. So... There it is. Have to do it. I mean because I told myself that I was going to do it. It's one thing if you disappoint your parents/brother/child/god/allah/boss/et al but once you start to disappoint yourself then it is all downhill from there. I don't know about you blog but I really get down on myself if I can not complete a task I've set my mind on.
Listen, I'm gonna get outta here, bundle up and get ready to go for a run through snow in boys town. It'll be awesome.
I think.


We'll see..............
Hope you have a great night...

Oh! I almost forgot. I said I was going to put in writing all the shit I ingest in a day...
Here's yesterday:
Sausage, egg, cheese sandwich on a buttermilk biscuit
Lots of water
Half a 8.5oz can of cashews
Roast beef, mayo, provolone sandwich on Italian bread
Half a 2.25oz bag of Jay's Hot Stuff popcorn
A heaping piece of lasagna (prepared and served to me by my room mate so who knows what was in that)
6 Bud Lights

Yeah, I'm definitely going running tonight.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Ima be young money!

Ah. I am back. I am refreshed and ready for a four day week.
I won some money via the football games on Sunday. Not only do I come in to work on Tuesday but there is $50 waiting for me when I get here. Really?! Awesome.
It's going great.
The trip to Wisconsin was awesome. My girlfriends family are all wonderful, wonderful people. The medical procedure was completed on Monday and while she is not 100% she is not feeling terrible and should be feeling back to her normal self in days. So that's good.

Honestly, I am in a great mood. Really jolly.
I do, however, feel that I am getting a bit round. I know I have eluded to this in this space plenty of times but it is getting out of control. I have to do something about this.
I will probably procrastinate in doing this for a bit because honestly, it is freezing out there.
I have got to get back to running for sure. I do not rip off miles as quick as I can or anything but I do like to get out there & run a couple miles a good jogging pace. I am determined to do this. I have to. Honestly, I'm getting really round. It's either the running or I ditch the beer that I love oh so much. The latter is not going to happen so I will start running.

In other news I have a hunch that my best friend (The Ghost) is going to announce to me that I am going to be the best man at his wedding. That's exciting. He called me up and has the peculiar idea of us meeting between the city and the far off suburb that he works at. Oh man. I'm kind of nervous, which is weird. Although, I am excited. It would be an honor if my spidey sense is right in this one... Fuck. This blog may become the success I have been dreaming of... I can chronicle, in this very space, the preparation and general hilarity that goes in to planning to be someones beset man. Oh boy. This is going to be great. The money is going to be rolling in! I can see it now. Book deals. Movie scripts. Booyah!!! It will be wonderful.
Honey, pack up your shit. We're moving to sunny California.
I won't know what to do with all this money!

Ugh. For now I'm going to go grocery shopping after work. Finally purchase "The Invention of Lying" on Blu-Ray and cook dinner with my girlfriend.
I think at the end of this blog I will list what activity I have done and what kind of shit I have ingested. I think seeing it in writing will help me out a bit with the shaping up goals.
Man, there's another formulaic success, right? Watch me get thin like that dickhole Jared from the Subway commercials. Right before your very eyes. Oh, how the world is going to love this!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Pants on the ground. Pants on the ground.

Hello there.
How's it going today.
Me? Oh, I'm fucking swamped.
I'm not going to totally rage as I got Monday off. Have to be back Tuesday, though. That is really awesome. Medical procedure for the girl during the day and then I can whisk her off for a quick 4 hour ride home that night... Ugh. Oh well.
Not much to report honestly.
I'm just working for the weekend.
I'm going to get out of here and watch American Idol. I am so damned hook it kind of sickens me. Ugh. Whatever. You guys have a good night. For now I'm going to just sit around pretending to work while I listen to The Ricky Gervais Show.

Can't be bothered with this for the time being...
Beside, I'm so obsessed with Idol lately this blog might just turn in to a daily American Idol recap. Holy shit would that be disgusting.

Good bye.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Get it up. Get it up.

Hello blog. I must tell you it is with a heavy heart that I am sending words out in to the darkest corners of the internet today.
Taco Bell founder Glen W Bell Jr. died at age 86. I am in mourning. It is a sad day. This man is an amazing person. Okay, I'll shoot you straight. I did not know who he was before last night. I find it pretty awesome that his lovely chain of hybrid mexican/unkown cuisine is his namesake. That is awesome. Little fact for ya: Glen Bell sold Taco Bell to PepsiCo for $125 million dollars in 1978. Conan ain't got nothing on the taco man. Honestly, that's quite a sum, innit? For what? Giving people the shits since 1962? Heh. I'm typing this from my desk at work and it is currently 1:03pm. I am going to honor him today by devouring some of his lovely cuisine. This post probably won't be finished before lunch but I will revisit with what I ate for a lovely little reflection.

Ed. note: I ended up only getting a chicken burrito, chicken soft taco, crunchy taco and double beef burrito. Fat bastard!

In other news there is this lovely little basketball league that is looking to launch this summer in Atlanta. They are The All-American Basketball League. There's conditions to join one of these 12 teams in this league. You must be American born and be born to parents of Caucasian descent. Don "Moose" Lewis is the dickhead behind this move. Lewis said on that the league is not motivated by hate.
He is quoted: "I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white American-born citizens [sic] are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like."
I must say I hope that this ridiculousness does not come near getting off the ground. I mean in this day in age. Are you kidding me? He adds that people should want to go to a game in which they don't have to worry about getting punched in the face or watching a player grab their crotch.
Listen, I don't think this warrants anymore typing but let me end it by stating something. The dudes in ICP are white. They are the biggest loser, douchebag clowns (Heyo. See what I did there?) in life. Color does not make people idiots/crotch grabber/violent. Sure doesn't. That shit is universal. Ugh. I guess I just can't understand and or comprehend how some people are so fucking ignorant.

I gotta tell you blog. I kind of pains me to be honest but I have had a song stuck in my head for a couple days now. "Pants on the Ground." Yep. It's true. Have you seen it? Of course you have, blog. I mean, I was showing my girlfriend the clip on youtube and it's up to like 2.5 million views. First, I have to admit that I kind of love American Idol. It's quite sickening at times but man I love it. It's no Jersey Shore but it's good. Second, I think I like the version of Jimmy Fallon doing it as Niel Young even better. That's absolutely hilarious and spot on.

Hmmmm. What else? Oh, that dude that was just elected as the new senator of Massachusetts is a pimp. Seriously though, I understand it's a huge deal that he's taking over for Kennedy and every one's questioning the effects this has but he's seriously A PIMP!!!! In his excitement of making his acceptance speech and thanking his family he makes mention that his girls are available. I laughed! Unbelievable. The wife and daughters were mortified, naturally. They are lovely young ladies and I'm sure there was going to be creepy dudes holding newspaper clippings, a teddy bear with the stuffing plucked out, horse hair, a bottle of Vaseline and magenta lipstick whacking off while looking in their windows soon enough but man, daddy really sped up that process.

I got nothing else really.
I'm supposed to be talking to my job today about getting Monday and Tuesday off to spend it in Wisconsin with the girl and her fam. We are revisiting some medical things that we had attended to in a previous trip. Again, I'm told not to worry and there's no need to be there but I feel like I definitely should be there and have a mild concern that I turn in to comforting words. Well, work is not all that psyched as I don't have the time off to be running around cheeseville. We're going to get that worked out today, though. Hopefully. Tomorrow will be a rage fest if things do not go my way. Just to prepare you, blog.

Alright. I must depart. That Taco Bell is seeming like it's going to come out both ends. Mercy.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

It's not over til the cognac dries up.

How are we all doing this fine morning?
Yes, I am a bit cheery. Oh, you noticed the smile. Great.
Yes, I am at work early. See, another person got canned so I have a shit ton of work. I'm really busy now (this is why I didn't post here yesterday... Well that and I was off celebrating MLKJ Day) and am taking advantage of the overtime that has been offered by management...
Why was she fired? Well, I'd rather not get in to office politics here but from what I heard there was a nap happening in the bathroom. Heh. Smooth, right?
I was approached yesterday about possibly getting a promotion to be a "team leader" or a supervisor of an account that we handle claims for. I don't know how I feel about this. Sure, I feel flattered that they think I could be responsible enough to run a team. That feels good. I have my doubts though.
For one thing, I don't ever outwardly complain about how much I hate it here but I don't think you'd have to interrogate me too hard to figure out that this is not my dream job.
So now I have to wonder if they are possibly just kind of feeding me a bit of scrap so I just stick around since I know I'm getting fed. Get it? I mean, I obviously am a value to the company. No matter how much I may loath this place I am not going to waste my time. While I'm here I am stuck here. Might as well get shit done, right?

I don't know... Honestly, though I am in a pretty stellar mood.
I'm getting my proper Ricky Gervais fill. He was on Conan last week, hosted the Golden Globes Sunday, The Invention of Lying gets released on DVD & Blu-ray today and The Ricky Gervais Show is gearing up to premiere on HBO. Gotta love it. I'm going to get out there and purchase "Lying" on Blu-Ray tonight after work. I have been reviewing all the podcasts to get ready for the HBO premiere. Mmmmmmmmm. A good amount of Ricky like that will make me happy!
Speaking of movies the girl and I watched "500 Days of Summer" last night. Well, I watched it. The lovely one kinda passed out prior to the conclusion of the movie. I thought it was alright. I absolutely adore Zooey Deschanel though so I was betting I was going to find at least one redeeming quality in the flick. I liked it. Not my favorite but it was good.

Here's the spoiler.... It shit talks and pokes holes in the cookie cutter usual love story and then concludes like the average cookie cutter love story. It was middle of the road if you ask me.

What else? Heidi Montag is out of control with the plastic surgery, eh?
Mark McGwire = 'roid user
Edgar Allen Poe's grave was not annually visited as is usually the case.

Alright. Heidi has obviously got problems. I mean she's gotta be the largest attention whore ever, no? I mean in her former incarnation she was a slimy, "look at me, look at me," attention whore for sure. NOW!? Now she's bringing attention to the fact that she's an attention whore that has issues. You've reached a new level of attention whoredom if you are bringing attention to your own issues/shortcomings. I suppose you could say that she is just vocalizing her love for plastic surgery (ick!) to get the acceptance that she needs but that's just a vicious circle, innit? I mean that would be like trying to help a pyromaniac by taking his lighter but giving him a match book. I guess I just don't get it. How does Perez do this? I mean, I could not be bothered less by this type of nonsense. Ugh.

Then there is Mark McGwire. Who cares? Obviously, a lot of people but I don't necessarily understand why. Everyone was doing steroids during that time. The pitchers he hit the home runs off of and the other batters that were ripping them out of the park just like Mark. It's entertainment. It's not some holy profession in which people should be so appalled. Again, I suppose I just can't be bothered.

Finally Edgar Allen Poe. This one I can understand a bit. I mean someone would annually visit Poe's grave and leave three roses along with half a bottle of cognac. If I'm Edgar I'd be pissed that I can't get a lil drunk. Nevermore, heh.

I'm going to my parents for dinner tonight with Drama (the bro) and my girlfriend. Then will be watching "Lying" and doing laundry while I toast to Mr. Poe.
Good day you sexy beasts.

Friday, January 15, 2010

I'm on Team Coco

Hey there, blog.
How are we today? Great. Have a seat! Let's chat. Don't wanna sit? Alright. Fine.
I gotta make this quick anyway.
I'm about to get off work. A bit early, right? I know!
The company "after the holiday" party is today. I get to get drunk with these fucking assholes. I get to shit talk and kiss ass with the best of them. I talked to the people that I would actually enjoy hanging out with and it seems like a 50/50 split of attendees. Half of which I might enjoy speaking with and the other half that I can't stand and will have to hold back not just spitting in their face while they're talking to me and then walking away.
This thing is fucking cash bar. Bullshit.
They have tournaments. Like ping pong, billiards (that's pool for you hip kids) and paper scissors rock. Seriously there's PSR Tourney goin on in this mo fucka!

Quick recap. I shaved my head on Wed. Not bald but very close. Guide wise I think I used the 4. This was with the help of the girlfriend.

Last night was the hockey game. Hawks win. Good times had with the fam. I enjoyed sitting with The Good Kid and his girl. There was no crazy shit that got thrown down. He did text me at 1:30am to let me know he was going to the 4:00am bar/club. It's a laughable little place that is known for hosting under agers and people fucking/snorting coke/smoking weed in the bathroom/parking lot/on the dancefloor.
So I was kind of jealous that I had to work today & didn't get to experience any of that.
In the meantime I have to go get shitty with co-workers and attempt to not hate fuck that one chick I can't stand...

Love you, blog.
Have a good weekend and bundle up!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A little flabbier

Ello there, blog.
I'm feeling better today, myself. Not hungover and I have tomorrow off! Wonderful.
Going to a Blackhawks game with my girlfriend tomorrow to see my nephew play before hand and then watch the game. Should be a blast!
Drama (my bro) was going to go with his Rose (his gf) but that is not happening anymore. I had a fastest fingers text message contest amongst my friends to get rid of the tickets left. So my friend (we'll call him The Good Kid from here on out) and his girlfriend (who doesn't need her own nickname as I'll likely never be hangin with her without The Good Kid around) claimed them. I'm so fucking excited for this.
The Good Kid is a tall, tan, Italian fella. He is, if you can imagine it, someone that is from The Jersey Shore that you would actually love to hang out with. Okay that may be a stretch. Honestly though, this guy is amazing. I'm so psyched to hang with him at a venue in which absolute drunkenness is appropriate and expected.
This kid is kinda tan but not as orange as The Situation. A little flabbier, so this automatically lets you know that he's not EXACTLY like a Jersey Shore cast member. Honestly, he really can't be compared but he's just awesomely obnoxious and loves to get drunk and just make bad decisions.
It's going to be great.

As far as my news from last week that I can't believe I didn't tell you...
Lady Gaga was at Kuma's Corner when I was in there. Honestly.
I didn't recognize her because, well, I'm not really a fan of hers. She seemed alright. There was a write up in the RedEye about her being there. It was talking about how she got the Judas Priest (bacon, bleu cheese with apples, walnuts and dried cranberries) and didn't demand any special treatment. Well, la di frickin da. Honestly, you came to Kuma's Corner. Who would expect any special treatment there? Judas Priest themselves maybe. People were kinda goin ape shit about it. Taking pictures with her but for the most part it was cool. I mean, Kuma's is usually pretty nuts to butts packed with hipsters anyway so everyone was probably trying to act like they didn't really care that Lady Gaga was there. Or maybe they were pretending to care even thought they didn't care because not caring is what everyone else was doing.
What this then brought me to was the whole idea of celebrity.
I told everyone I was with that I don't understand why they would get all crazy about Lady Gaga. I believe I said something like "What am I going to have her sign a bar napkin? What the fuck am I gonna do with a god damned bar napkin. Ridiculous." Sorry about the language but I'm pretty sure I was 4 PBRs in already with no lunch.
Everyone tested me with the whole idea that if it was someone I loved then I would be on their nuts.
My girlfriend, the wonderful girl she is, came to my defense. There was this one time, I wrote about it in this space actually, that I DID see someone that I admire and kind of have a bit of a man crush on. Matt Skiba from Alkaline Trio. He was at Gingerman in Wrigleyville when I was there. No one in the group I was with cared enough to say anything. End of the day I just kind of walked up to him and was like "Hey Matt, I'm a huge fan. Cheers." That type thing.
Because at the end of the day he is just some guy in a bar. He is just trying to have some fun with his friends. Why would you ask him for an autograph? Better yet what would you do with that authograph? I may understand doing this if he's at a concert and just got done with a set, okay.
"That was a great sip of beer there Matt, can I have your autograph?" I just don't get it.

I don't know. I'm just really rambling kinda, aren't I?
I can't focus. I don't have to work tomorrow and am just yearning for some lite beer and ice hockey. You guys have a good day. I know I will.
I will post the nonsense that ensues with The Good Kid tomorrow.
Love y'alls. Keep the peace.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Can't be bothered.

Not today, blog.
Work kinda sucked and dragged.
Just wanna get home and chill with the girl.
Tomorrow is like a Friday if I had to work on Sundays.

Remind me to tell you the a HUGE story that I totally forgot to mention yesterday when I recapped my weekend.

Have some pancakes, bitches.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Because I shit fire

Well hey there, blog. The weekend is over.
Had fun in the ecotone.

The sushi dinner was delicious. We went to Bentonara and for my money it's the best place to eat sushi in Chicago. Second maybe only to Wakomono.
I ate some spicy rolls. I suggest, if you ever go there, to ask Jesse (the sushi chef there, obviously) to surprise you with a random creation. Tell him you're not afraid of anything spicy (granted that you aren't) and prepare for one of the more delicious things you've ever ingested. Also, while I'm telling you what you should/should not like and/or do (cue me being as Perez-like as I can [told you it was just a matter of time, blog]) I must suggest you grab yourself an Asahi Super Dry. It's just the best tasting Japanese beer I've ever had. That's really saying something also because I don't like beer; I just drink to get drunk. I'm a real catch, ain't I?

Then went to go see "Youth In Revolt." It was good. Honestly, I'm not going to review the god damned thing here but I'll tell you I thought it was going to be better. Could be that this is my fault as I had high expectations from seeing commercials for the film on TV and not looking in to it any further. However, though, and I thought of this on the ride home all filled with sushi & Asahi, I think Michael Cera has played the same character since "Juno." You know the part. Nerdy but not disgusting looking. He's a clever nerd. He's not a pimply video game player that dwells in his parents basement. He's a hip nerd. He is funny and I absolutely loved the kid in Arrested Development. I think it's wearing thin. Hey, they got my money though, right? Keep it rolling, I guess, as long as you can Mikey.

Skip to Saturday. I went to Kuma's Corner. That place is so amazing. I don't know if I've ranted about Kuma's Corner here or not but I do love that place. It's so amazing. From the waffle fries all the way down to the metal blasting whilst you enjoy the most amazing burger you have ever had.
It was a 3 hour wait this time Saturday afternoon (I've waited longer) but some PBR made it easy to deal with. I ordered a Mayhem which is their burger on their delicious pretzel roll with sliced jalapenos, pancetta, pepper jack and gardinera mayo. Holy shit. This fucker was hot! Also, we all shared an appetizer of the P.E.I. Mussels which is served in a delicious sauce that consists of AllagashWhite Belgian style ale, garlic, butter and chiles. More heat.
Needless to say I was shitting hot fire all weekend and had heartburn until I woke up this morning.

On tap for tonight? A hilarious little game called Apples to Apples. Read that description there and imagine your inappropriate drunk friend playing this with 3 people in his low-life crew. That's what I'll be doing tonight. It's going to be fun.
I'm going to also visit sis and pick up the Blackhawks tickets for the game on Thursday. The excitement builds. Mostly because I have the day off....

Well, I'm only 2 hours away from getting drunk and firing up the dirtiest ideas in my head for a lovely Apples to Apples game.
Hope your night can compare.
'Til tomorrow, blog.
I love you.

Friday, January 8, 2010

I've got 100 resolutions but I've got no solutions.

You win, 2010.
I was late to work today. 11 minutes late. You'd think I'm shattered about it but nothing can bring me down. It's pay day and I have plans with my little lady AND the room mate. Getting some sushi & going to see George Michael in that new movie he is in. Should be good times.

I gotta tell you, and I usually try to stray from it in this space but, I am crazy about this girlfriend of mine. We're experiencing the ecotone here tonight.
The ecotone for those of you unfamiliar, blog, is usually used to explain plant life. It's the transition between to adjacent but different communities. Make sense right? The room mate and the girlfriend are adjacent to me but different entities in and of themselves.
In the past this would make me nervous. I mean you want your dudes to be able to get along with your girl, right? However, you don't want to parade just any broad around them willy nilly. You do that and before you know it you're sitting outside tending to your lady who's not getting enough attention while your boys are inside doing blow off each others dongs and watching the midget wrestling championship match on TV.
Not gonna happen to me tonight though, blog. Nope. The room mate loves the girl. The girl loves the room mate. They get along swimmingly. However, not so well that he's stopped being my room mate. I could still sneak a smoke/shove a balloon of heroin up my ass/order a hooker or two and he would still keep this all confidential.
So there's that. That's the reason for my good mood. I mean not that I've recently ordered a hooker but that it's pay day and I get to enjoy the company of my girlfriend and one of my best friends simultaneously.

Hmmm. What else, blog?
Oh there was that winter storm warning which was a real cock tease. Mother nature really left me with some blue balls whilst lusting over blizzard like conditions.

I'm listening to a little sports radio talk show right now. The Danny Mac Show on 670 the Score to be exact. They're talking about Blackhawks hockey. This brings me to some other excitement to come. Next week my nephew is going to be playing a game with his team prior to the Blackhaws v Blue Jackets game on 1/14/10. Right there on the United Center ice. That glorious looking Indian right there at center ice. How exciting is that for the little guy? Also, the girl will be there with me as will Drama (the brother), his girlfriend (we'll call her Rose from here on out, k?) and my sister and her husband.
That's cool. Should be fun. The girl has been wanting to check out a hockey game. She enjoys it but really wants to see it live. Best way to see it anyway.

So there's that. Nothing but sunshine today, blog.
You have a good weekend. I'm going to actually get some work done while I'm actually in a good, productive mood.

Be kind to each other.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Whips, chains, my grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger...

Well holy brrrrr.
The weather outside is absolutely frightening, innit?
The midwest is getting pounded with snow and it's not supposed to let up. We're looking at about 6-10 inches but they're claiming we may see up to a full foot. Ugh.
I can tell you right now that I would never want to work outside in this crap.... Ohhhhhhh. See what I did there? That is a segue, as we call it in the biz.

Segue to what? You ask, blog. PAY ATTENTION.
Man, I realize I missed a day but aren't you starving every day for the words typed out here? Yeah, you better be. Apology accepted. Now here's your list.

Jobs I would never want:

Anything outside - Kind of broad, I realize. This is also probably specific to my living in the midwest. If/when I get famous as a published author/actor/both and I move to Cali this could all totally change. My broseph works for the city of Chicago, streets and sanitation department and it's a great job. I do NOT envy him at all, that is for sure. Wow. Drama, (that's the brother) you are a better man than me. This is because you do not complain every second you get about having to work outside in this white fury falling from the sky.

Musician - I love music. Honestly. Talking about it. Writing it. Listening to it. I enjoy sharing it with others. However, I would not want it to become a job. J-O-B. Once you attach a job title to something it immediately becomes a chore of some sort, no? I would love to do it on the side as something fun/interesting. Maybe even start one of those myspace pages where I stream music to the masses. Honestly though, I'd never want it to be a JOB. So, that's kind of a bluff. I mean, I would love to make most of my income via music that I write and perform but would never want to consider it a job.

Porno Star - So many guys say this would be their dream job without thinking of it. Really think about it. Yes there are appeals. There is, sure. I mean the endless line of woman you get to bang/get to bang you. What? Listen. Just like music as listed above. I would NEVER want sex to become a chore. I fancy myself a pretty confident young man but doubt that I could survive a director yelling me at because I'm not doing something right.
Huh? Really? That was my best stuff, pal.
Not to mention the fact that I feel it'd be real easy to capitulate my sexual preferences and what gets me off. I feel like after enough of it I'd need a director yelling at me/girl faking stimulation/camera man up my ass to enjoy sex at all.
You don't bleach your anus? Ewwww. You depraved little girl! Untie yourself, place all whips/spikes/14 inch dildos on the dresser where you got them & leave locking the door behind you...
Worse, it's possible I'd just not be bothered at even trying. I don't go home and try adjusting insurance claims. See where I'm going with this one? Sure ya do. Okay.

Personal Assistant - Listen, I get people all day telling me to do this/that. Like any other corporate drone I do as I'm told, complain under my breath and fake a smile. Being a PA has always seemed like the biggest shit shoveling fest ever. Throw housekeeper in here as well. Couldn't do it. There's only so much shit I will allow to be dumped on me. Gotta draw the line somewhere.

Professional Blogger - Go ahead. Laugh. I don't write this fucking thing for depraved, pimply little fuckers to figure out who the next person they should be inappropriately obsessed with in Hollywood. Anything that would put me in to the same category as that absolute dildo Perez Hilton I do not want. Listen, I understand that when this thing goes viral & I'm running dustyfloors dot com we will all look back at this and laugh. Everyone will throw their stones & I will defend it with how I just feel that what I need to say should make its way to a broader audience and am just doing it for my fans. Don't believe that shit. I've sold the fuck out and am a miserable prick that is probably drug addicted and a tad suicidal.

Man. I just can't believe that fucking weather out there. It's only going to get worse. Fuck me running.
Well, in other news with all the terrible weather and traffic I still did not get a parking ticket this morning and was even 5 minutes early in to work. Take that 2010!
Let's hope this continues.

See ya on the flipside

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Well, Conan, I'm here to promote my latest film...

Ugh. Work sucks.
I know, I know. Heard that one before from me, right blog?
Seriously though. I'm 2 work days in to the new year & it blows, hard.
I was thinking today of dream jobs...

List time... Dream Jobs:

Author - A famous one. Like NY Time Best-Selling. A perennial best seller too. Someone who just pens some shit and knows that it's going to hit that list. I don't really fancy myself a writer. I'm sure this is obviously apparent. This occupation just seems amazing. You work from home. Make your own hours. Fuck, schedule really. No one judges you either. Say my room mate has people over.
Room mates friend - "Dude, why is Jim sitting there greased up in nothing but a speedo eating baked clams and snails with an alligator claw?"
Room mate - "Oh, he's an author. Looking for inspiration, I guess?"
Only downside to this is any hot girl probably has no clue who you are and therefore you don't get the tail that comes along with ACTUAL celebrities.

Actor - Oh yeah. I'm not talking about the dude that "gets the craft" and is awarded and respected. Oh no. I want to be the dude that is making a shit ton of movies that no self-respecting, intelligent human being would ever watch, yet are somehow box office smashes. Much like the author referenced above, if this dudes name is attached to something it is golden. Period. I want! Because unlike the author I DO get laid by an endless amount of willing women. Also, probably spiral deep into depression/drug use/bestiality/whatever but hey, no ones reign will last forever, amirite?!

Professional Athlete (any/all type) - Oh yeah. Get paid millions (okay half a mil at worst) for playing a GAME. A fucking game. This has absolutely no effect on any one person watching what so ever. Yet, we're all fucking glued to that television aren't we? It's astonishing to me and I myself am a huge sports fan. I think it'd be amazing to be looked up to. I mean for what. For running/catching/shooting/punching? Unbelievable. Fuck it man, I'll even take a job as just a coach. I'm more suited to that anyway, I can sit on the fucking bench & just yell at people.

Doctor - This one's just kind of been a personal dream. Really, I mean it's gotta be great. You get paid mega $$$. Also, I'd imagine if you've just given new life to a person laying there on your table it has to be one of the best feelings ever. Sure, there's the opposite of total mauling someone and they will now never have another breath because of you but there's pros and cons everywhere.

Record Store Employee - Honestly, I'd probably have to win the lottery for this one to be feasible as I need to be paid more than $4/hour and an occasional free lunch. I would love it though. You know that feeling you get when you turn someone on to new music and they absolutely love it. It's like you transport yourself back to the time that you first heard that song that's now your favorite. Just for a split second you tap that feeling when you see the person you've turned on to this song enjoying it. Again, no money but could you imagine giving people that amazing feeling of hearing an amazing band/song/melody for the first time for a living? Gotta be great.

Record Label A&R Guy - Honestly, I don't really know what this job entails. I imagine it as just kinda going to shows, checking out bands, liking them and signing them to the label you work for. It's like the record store thing but on a much grander scale. I mean I couldn't imagine bringing a band I love to a HUGE audience. Gotta feel great. Although, there's the con of spoiling YOUR band by bringing them to a huge audience. A new, underground band is like a secret. You feel better after telling a couple people. After telling too many though it blows up in your face & you usually feel like a little kid who just snuck some Oreo's after bedtime but then ended up shitting the bed. Right?

Well, that was a fun little session of dreaming.
Back to work. I have a shit ton to do and only a half hour left.
Tomorrow I'll list all the jobs that I'd NEVER want.
So much fun!


Monday, January 4, 2010

Resolutions? Oh, I got 'em.

Well, well.
It's a new year, blog. 2010. Sounds weird, right?
I think I'm going to refer to this year as "twenty ten" as opposed to just "ten." That would be weird.
Resolutions? Oh, I got 'em. I, however, am going to be keeping it simple. My resolution is going two-fold and they really go hand in hand.

Resolution part I - No more parking tickets. Again, this city is raising the price for parking city wide. My girlfriend's place will probably be the 3rd of 4th zone to get this bump up. Not sure how much it's going to be but it's possible that it begins to cost me $8.00 for 2 hours. Holy shit. That's robbery, no? I'll need a 2nd shitty job just to pay the cost of me visiting my girlfriend. Regardless though, this is charged from 9pm-8am. They are starting to enforce it. Hard. So, I'm going to resolve to make sure I get no further parking tickets for not being out of my girlfriend's place by 8am. Oh, and for those keeping count I believe we are at $700.00 in parking tickets paid since I started dating the lovely lady.

Resolution part II - Be on time to work. I hate this fucking place. Absolutely hate it! I'm definitely going to be looking for new employment in this new year. For the time being, however, I have a job. Whether I hate this place or not I have a job and that's something. So, while I do have a job in a time that they're not so easy to come by I figure I might as well get here on time and keep my employed status.

Some resolutions that were left on the cutting room floor:
Get a new job - I can't really resolve to do this as it is out my control. I mean I could apply for any/all job but the hiring of myself is something out of my control. Therefore, I did not want to resolve to do something that I, myself, can't actually do.
Get in shape - This really is a huge, general resolution. Therefore, I scrapped it. I mean this means working out, eating better, not drinking as much. Honestly, I MIGHT be able to hit one of those goals. All of them? Doubtful. I mean, let's not set ourselves up for failure, amirite? Beside my girlfriend and I are both very good at eating, drinking and still looking sexy so while this continues I don't necessarily need to make a hasty change.
Quit smoking - This really has already happened as it's probably been about 2 months since I've last enjoyed the sweet, sweet taste of a Marlboro. So maybe it should be continue not smoking. Again though, this is one of those things that is kind of mind over matter, in my opinion. No one has quit smoking without being ready to make that happen. You just have to want to quit. Realize that the money you save/not smelling like a turd/not having yellow teeth/not freezing your balls off outside to indulge a ridiculous habit is worth sacrificing looking cool and fitting in. I mean, that's the only reason anyone ever starts smoking. This could also fall under the get in shape category. This is just really all about continuing to be disciplined in one facet of my life so it didn't make resolution of 2010.
Cook more meals - This one could help in staying in shape but not so much with the way I cook. I need flavor. Flavorful = bad for you. Honestly, that's not always the truth. It is better than fast food pretty much no matter what you do. It's cheaper as well. I can monitor exactly what crap I am ingesting. Also, it leaves left overs for work lunches in turn saving more money and keeping me from eating more crap than necessary. Also, it's fun and I like it. Therefore it didn't make resolution status as I a) do not plan on cooking EVERYDAY and b) I enjoy it. Let's make this a bit of a challenge.
Have more sex - As above, I enjoy it. Really, this is going to be a resolution every year for the rest of me life. Regardless of how much/often I'm having it.
Play/write more music - Again, this is something I enjoy right? The moment I make this a resolution I kind of make it a chore. I don't want to do that with music.
Read more - See above.

There you have it. I will be a little bit more responsible with my sleeping, and more importantly, waking habits.
Fingers crossed.

Oh and P.S. On the work front here they moved a ton of people around. I'm pretty much on my own little island here. Honestly, I love it! Anti-social/loner/dick call me what you will but I get more done and am more happy doing it.
2010 is looking up so far!