Tuesday, December 15, 2009

That's like a blind man picking out his favorite porno...

Well, I stumbled upon a lovely little article on yahoo today.
A little ditty titled sixteen tips for feeling happier at work.
Oh, I had to take a look at this.

Shall we dissect this, class?
Ok.

1. Check for eyestrain.
It then goes on to tell me to put my hand to my forehead like a salute to check for brightness issues. Eyestrain? Seriously. I stare at two computer monitors for at least 40 hours a week. My eyes are fucked. Also, this does not have anything to do with my happiness but rather my eye health.

2. Get a good desk chair and take the time to adjust it properly.
Woah, woah. Hold on a sec. Now this lovely article is telling me to purchase a chair for my desk. I have no money to buy a "good" desk chair. Also, I would then have to find a way to transport this to work. I think I'm stuck to this shitty thing that work provided for me.

3. Sit up straight.
What? Are they assuming that I'm a little troll-like freak all hunched over face pressed against the keyboard as I type on it?

4. Indulge in a modest splurge, i.e., consider whether there are ways to spend money that would make a big difference. Could you invest in some desk accessories to help you stay organized? Could you replace an inconvenient lamp with something that works better?
Wha? Save it! I'm not happy at work because they don't pay me enough. They don't pay me enough so I can not "modestly splurge" as my money is all tied up in food and shelter. Tell ya what, If I feel like splurging I'll go buy that nice desk chair you suggested.

5. Get a phone headset.
Stop it. I have one. This does not change my mood at all because there's still douchebags yelling at me on the other end. This is going to happen whether it's a headset or a handset.

6. Don't keep treats around.
This seems more health oriented again. I think I would suggest the opposite. Stress eating, it's great. Also, the author goes on to explain that you can gain weight from a handful of M&Ms each day. No shit. Again, this is health related because in all honesty happiness can be a chocolate bar while stressed, no?

7. Periodically, take time to deep-clean the loose papers that have piled up. I never do this until I specifically schedule a time, but am always amazed at the wonderful calm it brings.
No. I'm stuck at my desk doing my job & now I have to assume another job. I have to clean now, too? You know what? The shit starts piling up I throw it in the fucking trash & you know what someone else does their job and comes and empties that. Done. Also, I don't know that an empty desk is linked to happiness.

8. Never say “yes” on the phone; instead, say, “I’ll get back to you.”
Seems this is turning in to "how to make more work for yourself." I actually think I will say "yes" on the phone & avoid having to get back with people and creating more phone calls for myself.

9. Take care of difficult calls or emails as quickly as possible. Procrastinating just makes it harder; getting them done gives a big boost of relieved energy.
Bullshit. Getting them done leaves me exhausted as I just had to deal with a problem call/e-mail. I agree getting to that shit quickly is the best way. I, however, ALWAYS find that problem calls/e-mails are just that problematic. Upon completion I am just aggravated that I had to deal with said call/e-mail.

10. When accepting a responsibility, imagine that it’s something that you’ll have to do next week. That way you don’t agree to a task just because it seems so far off that it doesn’t seem onerous.
Better tip - don't accept a responsibility above/beyond your job description. Therefore, you will stick to doing your job. Since it's your job I would imagine that any task would be easily completed therefore and you avoid doing anything above/beyond your duties assigned as you are not getting paid for anything above/beyond your duties assigned.

11. Be honest about how you’re spending your time.
I laughed. I would probably be fired on the spot.

12. Go outside at least once a day, and if possible, take a walk. The sunlight and activity is good for your focus, mood, and retention of information.
Winner. This is good advice. However, I would suggest it to just escape your personal hell. I don't know about the whole focus/mood/retention of info thing.

13. Even if you can’t go outside, take a ten-minute break each hour. Studies show that the break boosts your retention level.
Ten minute break every hour? I'm sorry did this just turn in to "how to lose your job?" What kind of employer would ever allow this? Must be nice to have this even be an option.

14. Don’t let yourself get too hungry.
This is a basic life principle. I'm hungry. I will eat.

15. Try to make a lunch date with someone outside the office at least once a week.
So now I have to pretend to be interested in what this fucking asshole is saying outside of work? No thank you. Do that enough during my day at work.

16. Let yourself stay ignorant of things you don’t need to know.
This doesn't even make sense to me. There's no explanation either. Thanks. You expanded on sitting up straight and putting my hand to my head on my forehead for brightness checks but not this. I'm going to hope that this means gossip. That's actually great advice if that's where we're going for.


Tomorrow I'm going to list my guide to being happy at work.
It WILL be gospel.
Ta ta til then.

P.S. I just heard one of my co-workers say she spoke to Skeet Ulrich at the body shop.

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