Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Sometimes the cigarettes just don't ease all that stress!

Right down to it here today.

Here's what I can suggest to make your workday better and make you happier overall.

1. Smoke. Oh, this is absolutely terrible for your body but it will make you feel great. Also, any one that has ever worked in an office knows damn well that no one will begrudge you a cigarette. The smokers always get more breaks than the non-smokers. All you need to qualify it is just to get very huffy-puffy and say "Ugh! I NEED a cigarette." Storm out & no one will ever say anything to you. It qualifies your back to back smoking and gossiping outside.

2. Start doing someone you work with... NOTE: I am not suggesting you DATE someone you're working with. Oh no. That would be terrible. I am suggesting you just start casually boning someone you work with. You will find yourself passing the time by going over to his/her desk to ask a stupid question you already know the answer to just so you can rub your dick/tit on her/his arm/shoulder whilst you look down her shirt/glare at his dick print. Your day at work is suddenly occupied with your lusting after them. Oh, and you will be able to waste a shit-ton of time sending inappropriate, innuendo laden inter-office e-mails. Then when things go south, and they will. Your energy will be focused on staying the fuck away from this person at all times. Making sure you don't go to the vedding machine at the same time, pass in the hall going to bathroom, etc. Those innuendo laden e-mails turn in to e-mails just explaining that you're "not looking for anything serious right now" and how you were "open and honest in that this wouldn't turn serious."

3. Befriend a manager. This one is important! Befriend a manager and you're in. Oh, you won't be able to get away with murder or anything but you will definitely get special consideration. 10 minutes late? Alright we can look the other way.

4. Piss off a manager. Weird, right? NO! You want to be on management's radar. Good or bad. You can piss of management and if you've found the right manager you will become their "project." They will attempt to "fix" and "mold" you in to the proper employee you should be. Once a manager does this they will of course start phase 1 of getting you on the straight and narrow, taking you under their wing, they will befriend you.

5. Find a good local pub. You're going to need an occasional 3 beer, steak sandwich lunch. Because honestly, sometimes the cigarettes just don't ease all that stress!

6. Get an iPod, radio, some music playing device. This will help speed those dragging Fridays right along. If you want to get really ballsy with this one you can sing along. This will, of course, severely anger your peers.

7. Anger your peers. Oh yeah! This one is great. You can make a bit of a game out of it. Piss someone off & watch them stomp around & gossip to everyone about how you just did the shittiest thing to them. They'll be so pissed when you ask if their pregnant. They'll fly off the handle. Won't be able to take it anymore. They'll have to run outside & smoke and then get 3 beers at lunch. Then the manager will begin to notice and... Back to #3.

8. Internet. If you do not work at a desk job I feel sorry for you. Sure if you're in the service industry or a plumber or something this doesn't really work for you. But if you're at a desk & have a computer that thing had better be internet-ready. This is THE best time waster ever... I'll give you some of my personal faves - Average Cats, Overheard in the Office, Bad Sandwich Chronicles, Photo Bomb, Lamebook.

9. Vtunnel. This goes hand in hand with the above but deserves it's own post. If you do have internet access it's pretty safe to assume that your job has some sort of internet security. "Access Denied" is a term you loathe. Have no fear. The lovely people at understand your problem and are here to fix it. Oh yeah, it's a portal that lets you slip under the radar of internet browsing security.

10. Get a blog. Oh yeah. Of course, another one that you need to have 8 and 9 to have a shot at but if you do I highly suggest it. I mean not only do you waste time just typing it all out but you can hunt down subjects of posts in the office. Crazy things people say. Stupid situations you need to comment on. Also, the typing while you're posting that days entry will just sound like you're hard at work! Perfect!

That's all. There's the list.
Bye, bye productivity!!!

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