Tuesday, January 11, 2011

It's amazing.

It's amazing how far you can get with just a smile and a nod... Sometimes just a nod.

So I've been newly single for 2 weeks.
Pretty rough the whole break-up thing, innit?
You can really coast though with just a smile and a nod. Spirits gotta stay up, right? I've been noticing how easy it is to deflect any/all speak of said break-up.
Don't get me wrong... My friends are amazing. No doubt about that. My room mate and his girlfriend take me in no questions asked. Can't beat that.

However a majority of the friends, the happy ones, don't necessarily want to get into the emotional dirt and muck that is a break-up. They love to get the details of what happened, the water cooler always pleases. The actual feelings, emotional part of it all is just a bit dirty.

I myself use the smile and nod method of things. Gotta keep appearances up, right? That's odd though. Why is that? Why when someone is grieving (I realize that I'm being a bit dramatic in using the term "grieving" to explain a break-up) do they feel the need to put on the smiley face and act as if all is well? It's expected of people. You are to grieve in silence. Outside of the public eye. Why is it important to me myself to smile and give off the "I'm okay" vibe?

That is what I don't understand. I also don't understand that little voice in my head that says "you're okay... tell them you're okay!!"
Smile and nod. Get through it. Pretend all is well.

Misery doesn't love company. Misery is actually scared shit less of being discovered.

Well fuck that.
I'm pretty miserable. Not every point in the day. Maybe just when I lay down to sleep and my head is racing... Regardless I'm not okay. Fuck you if you don't want to deal with me and my sadness...


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I don't understand why...

Don't understand why these women on these late night talk shows wear these dresses that look so uncomfortable to sit in... I mean 99% of your visit will be spent in that chair Gwenyth Paltrow, re-think your wardrobe choices.

So I'm back, blog.
How was your 2010?
Mine took a big fat shit on me towards the end there...
I don't want to be typical douche bag/sad/emo/whatever blogger but I have to put to screen here that my girlfriend and I broke up.

I'm really busted up about it because, well, she left me.
We moved in together and all was well, or so I thought. It turns out she had all these doubts and kept holding this shit in and then BAM! explosion of doubt/disappointment/sadness/lonliness/loathing and I'm out...

I'm trying to avoid being whiny and turn this thing into a depressing, suicide watch type log here but what does one write about???? It's supposed to be a journal of sorts, right?
I've done a substantial number of posts in here. I mean, it's out there on the internet for all the world to read yet I never mention names... Really? I'm going to hash out my personal thoughts while saving my friends identity? For what? I only know of a handful of my friends that read this and I have never talked to any of them about for more than a passing sentence here and there.

I think I'm just kind of doing what comes with a new year. Stock taking.
I think I'm going to try and approach this emotionally shattering break up thing from different areas... Work it out in my head and in this space in an intelligent way until it makes sense to me...
Easier said than done? For sure.

Well for the time being I just want to say this right now: I have the best friends ever. I did not have a shortage of people texting me to offer support.
My girlfriend and I moved in together about 3 months ago. Beginning of the end? Could be. Regardless, I'm currently living in the guest room (which used to be my room) at my old room mate's apartment. Short notice? Yes. Did he think twice about having me? No.

Can't beat that sort of support, can you?
I'm psyched too because it was going to be the parents basement for me. Which would have it's upsides financially I don't think I could try and pull myself together in my parents basement. I mean, they don't even drink...

In case it needed to be said I've been drunk pretty much every day since mid December when this started falling apart around me.
I think tomorrow I'll start trying to sort through my shit. Today was just rambling, drunk nonsense.

My car's broken too. Bummer.

Glad you stopped by, eh?
Get the fuck out.


Monday, January 3, 2011

To new beginnings

It's 2011.
I'm going to post here more. That is not a resolution, just a fact... Hopefully.

I have to work tomorrow and need to sleep. I've drank like 4 cases of beer already in this new year. Ugh.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Questions from the cubicle... Do you smell that?

What's worse?

a) A co-worker that is on the heavier side that reeks of body odor.

b) A co-worker that is on the heavier side that reeks of cologne that is covering what I can only assume would be body odor.

I think b) is worse but maybe because I'm experiencing that every day right now...

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Notes from Outside the Cubicle...

2 Amigos is delicious.
Not so much when you reheat.

Returning to work tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Notes from the Cubicle: Overtime

Ring back tones are terrible.
Absolutely horrible. It's always the last song you would want to hear while waiting to talk to someone that you don't really want to talk to who, in turn, doesn't really want to re-live their car accident over the phone with you.
The only thing worse is............

People who have their small child record their voicemail greeting.
Your little kid is screaming something inaudible into the phone and now I'm not leaving a message. You are the only one that thinks your kid is cute. Yep. It's true. Your husband? Nope. Just you.
I highly doubt you are calling yourself and leaving messages very often so just stop it.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Notes from the Cubicle: The Post Game Show

When you begin your day by spilling coffee all over yourself as you walk in to work the day will be terrible.

Trust me.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Notes from the Cubicle Volume 2: Rebellion vs. The Alarm Clock

I actually work at work these days. It's unreal. and not very fun.

There's board members here for a visit today. They're in from the UK and everyone is making a big deal about it.
I've been here for going on 3 years and I have never met a board member.
I don't even know what they do, who they are, what they look like, why I have to clean my desk to impress them and more importantly why I do not get to wear jeans to work today like I usually do.

I'm going to quote Aesop Rock here:
We the American working population hate the fact that 8 hours a day is wasted on chasing a dream of someone that isn't us and we may not hate our jobs but we hate jobs in general that don't have to do with fighting our own causes.

That's just in light of the faceless "board members" that benefit from my hard work and come to visit every 3rd year.


Monday, October 11, 2010

Thoughts from the Cubile Volume 1: How do you say...

Why do people, when unsure of pronunciation of a word and/or name do they decide to attempt and fail to pronounce it a number of times?

They don't know how to pronounce the last name of the person they are looking to speak with so they just change the vowels sounds randomly or make a random letter silent.
Always fun. Always effective... An effective way to get me to put you through to some one's voice mail to make sure you don't speak with them immediately.
Hopefully you will listen to how they pronounce their last name in their greeting and remember it.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Where oh where could my baby be?

Dear Phone,

It's me Jim!
How are you?
I gotta tell you Phone, you have me pretty worried. I mean, I haven't seen you in a while and usually we're inseparable.
I've been tearing up my new apartment looking for you. Are you here? See there's lots of boxes here filled with "our" stuff that used to be "my" or "her" stuff.
I've checked under the bed. I looked inside Recliner and I don't think she enjoyed the search all that much. She did know where Hair Tie and Nail File were... That's cool but I really wanted to see you.
I looked under Bed and in between her sheets. You weren't there...
I laid on the floor in the middle of this semi empty apartment to get a different perspective and I couldn't find you.
I have this weird feeling you might be sitting in the car. Lonely. Cold. Listening to the rain drops kiss the windshield...
Let me re-trace our day:

I saw you this morning. I remember you vibrating letting me know it was time to wake up even though you're only supposed to do that during the week and today is Saturday.

I then brought you along to the mall... Who doesn't love the mall???!!! The girl and I were looking for some stuff for the new apartment. We bought a modem and wireless router so we finally have the internet in this place... That's a good thing.
But I'm getting side tracked......

We then went to check out some couches... I know you didn't take a seat in one of those because a) They were all ugly as shit so we didn't even think about getting one of them and b) I had you by my side when we went to get lunch.

I remember checking what time it was with you when I was on my way home because the girl was a bit worried about the time and getting to work.

I set up the modem and internet router and that's the last time I saw you.
I miss you.
I hopefully will you see you in the car tomorrow when it's a bit lighter and more opportune to search beneath the seats in there.

For now I'm going to sit back and sip some beers. All sad-like mourning you like an ex-lover I can't get over.

Wish you were here,